Funny Things My Kids Say

My kids are hilarious, sometimes inappropriately so. Here's a few examples...

Holly who is three years old to her five year old brother. "Stop acting like a fucking cry baby"

Hunter about his one year old sister. "I don't want to go to school today. It's not fair that Riley gets to stay home and we don't."

Jordyn, who is 10, to her Aunt Dani, who is old, while at the bus stop last week. Seeing a bus turn the corner, "There's our bus. No that's not our bus." A short preschool bus pulls up and when the door opens, it's their usual driver. Jordyn burst out with "Are we being punished?"

Jordyn and her Aunt Dani were watching an episode of Melissa & Joey last night and condoms were mentioned. So Jordyn of course asked what that was. Poor Dani doesn't know what to do and tells her to ask again in a couple years and that it's grown up stuff. Jordyn however just will not let it go so I'm getting frantic text from Dani asking what she should do. I told her to tell her honestly that it's something grownups use when they have sex so that they don't get a disease or pregnant. Jordyn's response, "I shouldn't have asked! Ewwww!" She then promised not to ask again when she was told it's a grown up thing. lol

Holly while getting ready for school one morning, "This sock is stupid!" Then tries to put her jeans on over her pajama pants. Not a morning person!

As far as my 15 year old, Lexi, my fingers would get tired of typing cause she just cracks me up!

Total Melt down

This Mommy needs a time out today! My 5 year old son and I both had a total melt down. Here's the scoop. He misses his Dad that he hasn't seen in almost two years. They've talked on the phone maybe twice in the last three months. It's ok that he loves and misses his Dad, but what isn't ok is the way he's been treating everybody because of it. He's been a total cry baby and jerk for weeks on end. Everything ends in a screaming crying fit. He tells his sisters that he hates them and they aren't his sisters anymore. He doesn't listen. He loses focus in school. Did I mention that he cries over every single little thing. I lost it today. I told him that he's being a jerk. That I understand he misses his Dad but that the way he's been treating all of us is not ok. I told him how everybody here loves him so much and we do everything we can to make sure he's happy and has everything he needs. I told him that when he acts this way nobody likes spending time with him, the other kids don't like to play with him. I reminded him that his Dad hardly ever calls and that in two years he hasn't sent him a single birthday or Christmas present. I told him that his Dad and I can't live together anymore because we argue too much but that no matter what its ok to love and miss him. I don't know who cried harder, Hunter or me. It hurts me to know that my child is hurting and there's nothing I can do to fix it but at the same time it also feels like a slap in the face. I'm just at a total loss as to how to handle all of this. Anyways, that's the end of my rant for the day. Any suggestions on how to handle this?

Is he really ready?

I am way too impressionable sometimes and I doubt my decisions too easily. This is no body's fault but my own and something I struggle with daily. Today's self doubt. My five year old being ready for kindergarten. I'm not ready for this big step just because it means my baby boy is growing up too fast. He on the other hand is totally excited and says he's ready. And he really is smart. He knows his ABC's, can count pretty far, knows his shapes and colors. He's inquisitive about everything and retains information amazingly well. He's constantly telling me random facts about animals and things. He's wonderful at teaching his three year old sister. He's sweet and compassionate. Has an extensive vocabulary and honestly understands the words he's using. The only points that concern me are that I never really let him on the computer, he's very sensitive and cries easily, and he still has issues with sharing. Although the last is mostly just with his siblings. He does pretty well when friends come over to play. My daughter Jordyn didn't start until she was six but that was in another state. Where can you reliably research the standards for the state you live in? When do you stop researching?  How do you know when your child is ready for something? And how much information do you listen to from others? When is the right time to believe in your own judgement?

I'm scared of my own kids!

Why must my daughters constantly creep me out?! In Jordyn's defense only one time really jumps out at me. She was maybe two years old and my Aunt Leslie, Uncle Sarge and I had just finished watching the movie The Ring. Do you remember the little girl in that? Samara. Recall how she never slept and had long dark straight hair? Jordyn also had long dark semi straight hair and the child never freaking slept! So Jordyn and her cousins Shaye and Bruce are in the back of the house playing in the family room, Sarge is in one recliner and I'm sitting on the floor clinging to leaning against the other recliner where Leslie is sitting. Throughout the entire movie we kept cracking jokes about Jordyn being a baby Samara. Eventually the movie is over and I'm just sitting there spacing a bit, when baby Samara, I mean Jordyn, slowly and silently walks up next to me and just stands there. She doesn't move or say a word. I turned, probably to say something to Leslie and about jumped out of my skin to see Jordyn standing there looking at me. Omg I have still never lived down getting the crap scared out of me by my own child!

Now I have three year old Holly who likes to quietly creep walk down the dark hallway to the end of the couch where I like to sit, and stand there quietly until I notice her. She does this repeatedly for at least an hour just about every night. It's always to claim she has to go potty. I might believe her if she didn't have to walk past the bathroom to get to where I am. These girls are going to give me a damn heart attack!

I need sleep!!!!!

Alright people, I'm seriously about to lose my mind! What's the problem you ask? My nine month old demon baby Riley! Oh don't get me wrong, she's adorable as hell and sweet and lovable as can be. At least during daylight hours. At night, when the rest of the house is peacefully slumbering she turns into a milk guzzling, use Mommy as a binky, screaming demon. I can actually time her, every two hours. At her age there's really no reason for her to be waking up this often. She use to sleep anywhere from four to six hours straight but evidently she has a twisted sense of humor. I don't know what to do. I've tried making sure her belly is full before putting her to bed, we have a bedtime routine, and I've even tried giving her a bottle of formula before I go to bed. Nothing works, she's still up in two hours. I considered that it might be teething cause she shows the signs of that so I gave her teething tablets. It didn't help. I really don't think she's that hungry all night. Either she's just really spoiled or she needs extra closeness and snuggling at night. But even that doesn't make sense. I'm with her all the time. Even the brief times that I am away from her, her routine stays the same. There haven't been any major changes in her life that would make her insecure. I'm at the end of my rope. And I'm a little worried about her safety because eventually Hunter and Holly are going to realize that Mommy's grouchiness is their baby sister's fault!

Who's afraid of the boobies...

I don't know if it's just because I'm breast feeding or if it's the strange company I keep, but we have a lot of conversations involving my boobs. Here's a facebook conversation that took place today, and no it was not in a private message either! It started with my status update this morning...

I am so tired of being woken up every 2 hours....

B: hey wake up

Me: no I don't wanna.... 

B: to F'ing bad i'm hungry mom 

Me: the boobies are out of order. 

B: bull shit tell daddy to get off them i need them 

Me: lmao he's afraid of them still! 

B:  lol 

Me: are you afraid of boobies B? lol 

B: no fear here 

Me: lol if they were filled with milk you would be. Or are you the kind that would just grab a pack of oreos and call it snack time? lol 

B: lol no i would grab some homemade chocolate cookies and go to town 

Me: lmao Riley might share her milk if you share your cookies! 

B: lol 

Now since all he had to say was "lol" in my mind I won!

Do you need a time out?

I was having a really bad morning today, I'll explain that in another post though, and Miss Riley decided that it was a good idea to scream all morning. Not actual crying, more like little bursts of piercing noise that makes your ears ring. After repeatedly telling her No, Sir (refresher on who this is on my About Me page) decided to put her in time out. Now let me remind you, Riley is 8 months old. She was in her walker, smacking the tray to make her snacks fly in every direction and carrying on with her new found voice, when Sir pipes up with "Riley Jean, do you need to go in time out?" Her response, Smack, scream, giggle. So he gets up, picks her up while still in her walker, takes her to the time out corner, stands there for a second like he's thinking "Shit, she can still move." And proceeds to stick shoes under the walker and against the wheels to keep it in place. Then he puts up the baby mattress that we use to block the hallway so she can't crawl off to her siblings room, yes we are truly that ghetto. She just happily sat there babbling away and laughing at him over the mattress! I don't know if this is one of those times where it's funnier if you were there, but I know I sure laughed my ass off.

Exorcist Baby!

Well the last week or so has been interesting. Miss Riley has been teething. Last Tuesday we had a cookout and she was perfectly fine. Wednesday morning I'm sitting in bed nursing her, she finishes eating, smiles sweetly, and then proceeds to give the meal back to me! Then she had the nerve to giggle! Now I sleep in just a bra and panties, TMI, I know. And I hadn't gotten around to getting dressed yet since it was still early. So imagine sitting cross legged with a baby on your lap. Now imagine the places that regurgitated breast milk went! Ewww right? She was so damn cute though that all I could do was laugh a little, sit her down and grab a towel. She laughed at me the whole time I cleaned up and changed. That child has a twisted sense of humor! Long story short, she puked for 24 hours, chewed on anything she could reach, threw up on my bed once more, switched to the "other" end for a couple days, and basically lived off of goldfish crackers and Kix cereal for a week. She's finally just starting to eat other foods and now only has occasional diaper explosions. Most of which I try to pawn off on Daddy or Aunt Dani! HaHa!!!

Boobs or no Boobs, that is the question

Riley is eight months old and I still breastfeed her. She enjoys it, I enjoy it, it's good for her and it's free. Lately Josh has kind of been pushing me to give it up. He won't flat out admit that's what he's doing but the little comments are enough. This really bothers me. I know he probably just misses my boobs, and I'll admit I miss the attention in that region, but to me it's not worth giving up yet. It's not like I plan on nursing her until she's eighteen. First tooth or one year, which ever comes first, is her cut off date. I've been slowly weening her. I offer her juice or actual food before nursing her so that she's not as hungry. And honestly, I really don't want to get up and make a bottle in the middle of the night when I can easily just pop a boob in her mouth.

Yeah it's a bit of an inconvenience sometimes when we are out in public. Not that it's difficult to keep the goods covered, it's more of trying to keep my belly and back from hanging out. If you're desperate enough to check out my boobs while there's a kid attached to them, that's on you, but God forbid you see my belly!

Not to mention, it means a lot to me that I've been able to stick with it this long. Each of the three kids before her didn't last this long nursing. With Jordyn, I only made it a week. I got really bad blood blisters with her. Hunter, lasted two months. His mouth was so little I had to use a nipple shield to help him latch on, then we moved in with my in-laws and he didn't appreciate having a blanket over his head during meals. And with Holly, I was hooked to a breast pump for the first six months of her life cause every time I put a boob in her mouth she fell asleep. Riley though took to breastfeeding like a pro. And she's my last baby so why not make the most of it.

And my kids understand that breastfeeding is a natural thing. It's actually what they were made for. Although if you ask my Grandma she says boobs are just there to make your shirts look good. It's not unusual to hear Hunter, who is five, tell me "Mommy, I think Riley needs to nurse." Or for three year old Holly to announce, sometimes while in public, "Mommy, baby sister needs to eat your booby." They understand that when a Mommy has a baby their boobs make special milk for the baby that's full of vitamins to help them get big and strong. If my young children can understand this concept, why can't a grown man? Just saying...

I don't wanna be top dog anymore....

My kids will bypass anybody in our household to get to me, whether they are crying, asking for something, have some little tid bit to share or have already been told no by another adult. No where is safe. Doesn't matter if I'm going pee, in the shower, trying to get something done, or asleep, all I hear is "I want Mommy!" There can be three different adults standing between me and a child, and they will attempt to pass by each of them even while being told no. Evidently, I'm top dog in our house. Sometimes I use this to my advantage like this, other times, I don't wanna be in charge.

I have many examples of this but here's the one that happened today. There's four adults in our house, yes we're out numbered but we're still bigger than them. But that's besides the point. Josh had fallen asleep on the couch, Sir fell asleep on the other end of the couch, and I fell asleep on Riley's blanket on the floor. No judging, I had a huge headache. Dani was in her room with the door wide open. I had just barely dosed off when I got woken up by Jordyn. I don't even know what she was saying other than that she was tattling on Hunter and/or Holly. Here's our conversation.

Me: Jordyn am I the only adult in this house?!
Jordyn:  No, but Sir gets grumpy if I wake him up.
Me: I was talking about Dani! She's awake!
Jordyn: Oh, Ok.

And she skips away.

If this is what it's like being top dog, I don't wanna be anymore...