Thursday, July 14, 2011

Monday Me Hop

My computer will be out tomorrow hopefully getting fixed. I feel like I'm losing one of my kids for the day! So I'm typing this on Tuesday night and I'm going to try to set this so that it post on Thursday in time for Cinnamon's Monday Me Hop. I just can't stand the thought that I might miss linking up this week.  So which question did I pick this time? 


The hardest question I have ever had to answer is whether or not I was the person best suited to raise Jordyn. I was 19 when I got pregnant, 20 when I had her and 21 when I had to answer this question. Her dad, who is now my hubby, and I met when I was 19. We moved very quickly and within weeks I was pregnant with her. We didn't exactly have a stable relationship. There was never any violence, drugs or alcohol involved, just lots of arguing and tears. We moved from place to place constantly, staying with friends and in cheap motel rooms. I was always a nervous wreck.

Things improved a little bit in some ways when she was born but got harder in other ways. We stayed about a month with my in-laws, the hubby got a job, and we moved into our own one bedroom apartment. Those were all the good things. The bad part was that winter came fast so his time doing landscaping didn't last long. And Jordyn herself...all she ever did was scream! There was hardly ever a time when she was happy. She also refused to sleep most of the time. Which meant that I was always in tears still. Plus the hubby and I still didn't get along very well. We still argued quite a bit.

Jordyn was seven months old when we were getting evicted. My family stepped in and the baby and I went to live with my aunt and her family. In those seven months of my daughter's life, we never really bonded. I was too stressed and she was too difficult. It's not right, and it wasn't a fair way to bring a child into the world, but it's the way things happened.

Again, my family stepped in and my aunt and her husband were going to adopted Jordyn. Actually, that's how she got her name. Are you confused yet? When she was born her name was Kearstyn Skye. Honestly, I hated that name. It was one of the things her Dad and I argued about.

Well, we both still lived with my aunt during the adoption proceedings. When I wasn't at work I was still caring for her except we were now referring to my aunt as Jordyn's Mommy. That about tore my heart out. My aunt also hated the name Kearstyn so as part of the adoption, they changed her name to Jordyn Nicole. Which was actually a name I loved when I was pregnant but her Dad wouldn't agree to. Jordyn took to the name instantly, like it had always been her name.

By this time it was just past her first birthday. I was busting my butt working and had a much better relationship with Jordyn. My aunt and I both admitted to each other about changing our minds about the adoption, so before it was final, we had it all reversed. But by this time she already knew her new name so I legally changed it and I gave her my last name.

A couple years down the road, her father and I got back together and got married. But that time period when all of this was happening were not good ones. The hubby and I still get into arguments about the adoption and name change. But honestly neither one of us were fit to take care of her then and I thought she deserved a chance at a better life.

So now you know my deep dark secret and the most difficult question I've ever had to answer. And in case you're wondering, no, Jordyn doesn't know about all of this. Maybe when she's older but definitely not right now.

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  1. Thank you for posting this. I wondered why your button wasn't on the blog, but then I remembered about your computer being in the shop. When you read my story you will see how very much stronger you were than I was. And I have my regrets over that decision. Bravo to you that you took the chance and it worked out. As always...thanks for taking part in my hop. I can always count on you !

  2. No Cinnamon, you were strong too. You made the best choice you could at the time. Don't ever let anybody make you feel bad about that! Wow, without knowing it, both of our post kind of fit together today! And you know I love this hop. I was going crazy waiting for my computer back so that I could join in. Looking forward to next week :)